The theme of this week has been perseverence. I have muddled through, pushing through the tears, meanwhile dealing with the unavoidable (and seemingly endless?) physical after effects of the D&C last Friday. I thought I was starting to laugh and be cheery again, that was, until I went to church this morning. Oh the floodgates opened up as I sang a line of a hymn that went like this, you probably recognize it: "...Strength for today, and bright hope for tomorrow, Blessings all mine with ten thousand beside. Great is Thy faithfulness..." Thank goodness the choir followed up with a Natalie Sleeth song we'd (Jenn, Em, me and many other zitfaced youths) sung in Spirit Wind so I could steady myself by anticipating the crescendoes and and pivotal quarternote rest before the last "JOY!" Got myself collected before we picked up the kids from their classroom. Al and I even relented and let them each eat an entire chocolate-covered-with-sprinkles doughnut washed down with red punch. LET THIS DAY BE MARKED IN THEIR MEMORIES AS A DAY MOM WAS NOT THE STRICTEST MOM IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE.
I have been focusing on the fleeting beauty of our lives, how quickly our time here will be ending, I suppose I'm feeling a strong sense of mortality. Just a little blip of a blip in the vast universe, that sort of thought. Must be thanks to the HDPBS show I watched on evolutionary biology. I'm doing my best to focus on the JOY, the exquisite sensation to feel pleasure and pain in life, the brevity of it, the wonder that we get to be alive at all. Just a little light thought this Sunday noon, huh?
5 comments:
Oh Steph, I do feel for you. Try not to expect to much from yourself at the moment, remember you are allowed to grieve for your loss and you are bound to be going through all kinds of emotions at the moment, my experience after losing dad has been to just go with how you are feeling, cry when you need to and don't feel guilty about feeling angry with the world. You do tend to get a strong sense of mortality at times like this, I've spoken to quite a few people recently about loss, they all said that they felt that way. Anyway, you seem to be doing ok, you're a very strong woman whose loved very much. XXXXXX
Hang in there, Stephie! We love ya!
XOXOXOXOXO
I cry a lot in church, too. Different songs or phrases bring up memories...it's good to let yourself feel.
Love you.
Ditto all the above comments...:o) and I love you loads for your strength and your sensible outlook on life at this moment in time..God bless you,Steph. xx
Thinking of you all the time...
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